How To Survive A Pokeumans Story - Updated

    -       I will not call my attacks.

    -       I will track ALL my takeaway orders, and if one arrives that I’m not expecting I will stay away from the door.

    -       Just in case, I will keep my tail down in the spring season.

    -       I will NOT call my attacks. End of.

    -       A makeshift gas mask will be useful if I have the time to make one.
Just try not to breathe when they use their purple gas on you.

    -       Should I find myself captured and in a van, I have a sixty-three percent chance that the Pokemon Rescue Troop will come to my aid. If they do, I’d better prepare for things to get worse. After all, I am captured, caged, no seat belt. No airbag... just steel walls. They forcefully stop the car, rather than pop its tires or disable the engine. Buckle up, because broken legs is a bad way to start an adventure.

    -       The fastest way to get rescued by the PRT is to be targeted by Pokextinction. Utilise your enemy’s stupidity.

    -       I will get my character development in early, when it tends to be quirky, rather than later when it tends to be more traumatic.

    -       If I don’t know whether to make my characterisation silly or serious, I’ll make it silly. In a darker series, I will provide much-needed comic relief. In a lighthearted series, no-one wants to be the guy who drags down the fun everyone else is having.

    -       Straight up attacking another Pokemon head on is going to be an ingredient to a bad time. However, if they are monologuing then go right ahead.

    -       If I am beginning to transform, all I need is a working car and I’m set. A Pokextinctionist trying to gas me? Hit him with your car. Getting chased by a van? Hit it with the car a couple of times. Need food? Drive into a 7-11 and grab some food. The PRT finally found you? Give them a ride in the car to their base.

    -       I will be nice to the recluse that everyone else is bullying horribly. Firstly, it’s just basic goodness. Secondly, my life will be spared when his revenge rampage kicks in later on.

    -       If I am a Pokextinction Commander, I will make sure to brainwash the students in my base. None of this ‘trying to persuade them of our argument’ business, it always backfires. Just control them. We want and have the power to create unquestioning obedience, let’s use it. If I’m that concerned about their personal wellbeing, I shouldn’t be a Pokextinction Commander.

    -       I will establish the identity of my local protagonist. They will likely be person getting on brilliantly with their roommates, picking fights with the local bullies, spending a disproportionately high amount of time with the base higher-ups and complaining about this weird dream they keep having.
I will then make sure they know my name, as this will increase my survival prospects tenfold (unless you’re in a Tiger-in-the-corner, Dragon-Within or TheEeveeWarrior story, where anonymous fodder may actually have a chance to escape but loved ones may as well file their life insurance at the word ‘Hello’).
If I start to get the suspicion that I am in fact the protagonist, I will adjust my lifeplans accordingly.

    -       Before we go off to fight the Villain in their Lair of Evil, I will do a quick spot-check on my band of friends. If we could all feasibly be screwed over by one type disadvantage, I will make some more friends and then leave on our quest once they’ve agreed to join us.
If our common weakness is Dragon, we’ve seriously screwed something up.

    -       I will consider actually leaving it to the professionals for a change.

    -       Generally, you only have to go to the classes you want to. Feel free to use the rest of the time as you wish, so long as it serves the interests of you being The Hero. Just bunking off class will probably end up with you getting your butt kicked by The Hero.

    -       If I am developing some sort of special power that seems strange and terrifying, I will quietly confide this to a few of my True Companions early on. Then they can help me as I attempt to develop it in private, rather than have it explode in front of them and then the whole base has to deal with the fallout at once.

    -       If I am a PRT Commander, I will devise a series of screening questions in PRT application that will subliminally flag up for me the people who are just joining up to get a humanising ring so they can go home again. You can still enter if you come up on these questions – they tend to make the best and most motivated agents -, but it’s worth knowing about them in advance.

    -       I will ask my Dream Messenger to re-word what he just said in a clearer and more readily apparent form, thank you. After all, he WANTS me to know this information.

    -       Anyone who, in addition to their innate Pokeuman powers, carries a lethal weapon with them at all times and into every battle is likely either overcompensating, has a fascination with deadly tech or feels the need to kill their opponents dead rather than just make them faint safely. Any such person can be safely moved down my list of True Companions without loss.

    -       Any of my PRT agents who come back from a mission either acting strangely or grinning inappropriately and declaring that ‘I feel like a whole new man’ will presumed to have had their loyalty compromised by Pokextinction in the field. NOT just ‘He’s having a bit of a bad day, isn’t he?’.

    -       Good or bad, I will not hire anyone who has killed someone just as strong or stronger than me before.

    -       There is no need to subscribe to stereotypes – just because I have transformed into a darkness-infused fire-breathing hound of death or similar does not mean I have to start acting like an aggressive douchebag to anyone.

    -       Remember, green laser isn't going to kill you. So don't worry about dying if you get hit by one. Worry if you get hit by a red one.

    -       Given that we have access to cloning technology, I will look into ways of using it to clone my best PRT/Pokextinction agents. It will probably turn out that it doesn’t work on Pokemon (humans can barely even get it to work on sheep, after all), but it’s definitely worth a shot.

    -       I will not have my Exinctionist minions knock out the Hero and have them brought to my labs so I can study their supernatural power. I will have my Extinctionist minions kill the hero and then have them brought to my labs for suitable physical analysis to study their supernatural power. If it’s not something that can be detected physically then it’s probably not something I’d be able to replicate/effectively neutralize anyway, so not much lost there.
Three times out of four, you can get a head start on this analysis by finding the Hero’s identity (shouldn’t be hard), and then tracing his ancestral line.

    -       I will not piss off the Board of Dream Messengers. It’s never worth the trouble.

    -       If the management systems of the base I lead seems to lead to producing a disproportionately high number of Chaotic Good Heroes, I will look into what we may be doing wrong and how to address this.

    -       No matter how powerful the Hero or useful his special ability in Pokextinction’s designs, I will not try and have him brainwashed – Heroes have very strong willpower, and are often accompanied by a Dream Messenger that can break them out of my brainwashing machines just before the timer hits zero. I will consider brainwashing some of his True Companions, though, but only either if the Hero is already dead or I can destroy their original minds so thoroughly that there is nothing left for the Hero to try and bring back by the Power of sodding Friendship.

    -       If anyone says that they demand to be referred to by their species instead of their name, that person is immediately worthy of my attention.

    -       Civilian eyewitness memories can be easily altered but surrounding battle damage on structures is harder to disguise, and you can only blame a burst gas main so many times. This will be remembered when the Big Fight kicks off.

    -       If I am in a more lighthearted series (the signs are generally fairly obvious), I will sit down at some point between classes and work out a stored bank of witty quips early so that I’m never left at a loose end at the wrong moment. That would be harmful to my cred.

    -       Before becoming the Hero’s new best friend, I will establish what happened to his old one.

    -       Just because I am a Pokemon does not mean that immediately fatal blows on a human won't be effective on me. They are just as effective at putting you down. There is no type resistance to ‘baseball bat’.

    -       If considered a change to my moveset (or establishing my initial set in the first place), I will test it out on an in-game version of me using the latest Pokemon main series release. If it doesn’t work against idiot bots that literally stand there while you choose your next move, it won’t work in a real life battle and I will reconsider my choice accordingly.

    -       If the twelve-year-old kid asks to talk to the brainwashed captive so they can help them, I will check their previous track record. If they’ve successfully done this before then by all means, they can do it again as many times as they want. If they haven’t then I will refuse their request; if it’s something they’re actually good at, they will manage to do it anyway and succeed. Win-win for me.

    -       If we are sending a covert operative behind enemy lines to cripple their commanding forces, I will at least pay lip service to the idea that Poison-types are called that for a reason.

    -       No matter how much I train, I will remember that there will STILL always be someone better than me.
And so I won’t get too caught up on it when I find them.

- I will consider other weapons that can be used defensively. Chilli powder still hurts, doesn't kill and can't be blocked with a gas mask - and I may even have some of it in the house when the suspicious delivery man rings.

- If I came face-to-face with a major member of Pokextinction and managed to get away, I will default to a secure location and only go back to base once I remove the inevitable tracker implant.

- The more Pokeumans come into my base from a given area, the higher the chance that the next one from that area is a protagonist. I will take note accordingly - by five or so you're practically on for a guarantee.
If five or so arrive from the same area all at once, I will monitor them all.
If I am from an area with a high number of previous transformees then that is not a coincidence.

- I will remember that my second-to-command is ALWAYS the informant of the other side. Logistics don't matter, it always happens. Neutralize before backstab.

- If there is a sniper on the other side, he/she will always kill someone I love if they aren't already dead by our third encounter.

- Depending on the nature of the creepy smile given, they are either our eventual saviour or our worst nightmare. It never neither, regardless of who it is that does so.

- No matter how many guns there are, no matter how many soldiers there are, I will never allow myself be shot unless surrounded. Never get surrounded end of. Nor surprised.

- The Lucario with the biggest smile is ALWAYS the protagonist.

- I will not hold anyone the protagonist holds dear for hostage. He'll/she'll arrive, lay my base in ruins, and escape with no casualties. Even if it's just one guy. Cursed Power of Friendship...
On the other hand, more mild-mannered/well-adjusted protagonists will agree to any ransom demand as long as I promise to return their loved ones to them. I will therefore scope out the nature and previous career of local Heroes, and use that as an indication of whether the ransom gambit is wise or suicidal.

- There is no such thing as a species too small, cute or ridiculous to be threatening. Diana Eckhart, Cameron Stevens and Storym the Salamance can each confirm this.

- There is no need to match the enemy's range preference - when the Gallade dramatically extends his arm-swords, I will go for a Flamethrower.
If I am offered a sword or other melee combat weapon, I will remember the fact that nobody in any military today uses such weapons in real combat.

- If I am a Pokextinction commander, I will remember that firearms are just as effective at killing Pokémon as Pokémon attacks.
I will also remember that we can readily and easily clone humans.
I will utilize these two facts together and consider the feasibility of forgoing dealing with Pokémon outright and just cloning a human army.

- If I am to interrogate somebody, I will study up on effective interrogation techniques instead of going for the bullwhip right away.

- I will consider the efficacy of air support.

- If I am to lead a raid an enemy base, I will collect as much information on the enemy as possible before drawing up plans of attack, rather then just barge in and hope for the best.
If I hear of somebody who raided a base by barging in hoping for the best, and was successful, I will decline any invitations to join said person in future raids.  Luck runs out eventually and I don't want to be the guy who gets killed off by the new antagonist to show that he or she means business.

- I will study up on the Evil Overlord list. If I am evil, it gives me a solid foundation to go on. If I am good, it offers a nice way to read up into how a real enemy will behave.

- If I end up in a gunfight or ranged combat, I will remember the value of taking cover.

- I will not do the things on the Things Not To Do In A Pokeumans Base list. Entertaining as they may seem, they will piss off my headteacher/commanding officer/friends in the long run.

- If at all possible, I will not become a PRT Commander or Headteacher. They have many roles, but their primary one is to die tragically to motivate The Hero.

- All new transformees will be monitored for a month or so to see if anything strange, out-of-the-ordinary or generally protagonist-identifying seems to be happening to or around them.


- If I am second-in-command of an Extinctionist base, I will use our hypnotic techniques to instill trigger words that only I know into all our minions to lay down their arms and cease any fighting. That way, if the Hero is irredeemably destroying our base I can cripple the Commander in a surprise attack and then broadcast the 'stand down' signal. Having freely delivered an (already-lost) Extinction base into his hands, the Hero will now find it difficult to justify killing me.
He will likely have me sent to a deep jail cell for a long time. Perfect. I'll be grateful for the security when the other Commanders in the area find out what I did.

- The headteacher need not be the toughest-looking, or even toughest, species. They need to be the person best for the job. Ideally, the headteacher will not have to do any fighting at all anyway.
We will, however, exploit the expectation - if the base comes under heavy attack, a suitably battle-competent Metagross will be directed to the headteacher's office while the real headteacher will be sent to the cafeteria and told to look inconspicuous. Any head too proud to follow through with this for the safety of their base will have their position reviewed after the invasion is dealt with.

- Unless I am already a member of their True Companions, I will not become sufficiently close to The Hero that their grief over my death would prompt a new awakening of their power.

- I will not try and convince mercenaries to join our side for good. For the Pokeumans, mercenaries have definitionally shown that they have a total lack of principle. For Extinctionists, mercenaries are usually only happy with a position worthy of their skills - which is probably mine. Also, the total lack of principal thing.

- Speaking of, if I am good or neutral I will not join Pokextinction on the grounds that they are the only place where my skills will be recognised and put to worthwhile use. Firstly, you'd be surprised what the PRT get up to. Secondly, you'd be surprised what neutral forces can get up to if they put their minds to it. Thirdly, a vocational career may be humiliating, but having the wrath of Pokeumanity's greatest heroes come down on my head is a lot worse.

- The Hero has grievances over killing brainwashed minions because they are really innocent people who can't help what they're doing. As soon as you turn them into slathering feral mutants, that compunction disappears. I will keep the experiment subjects as normal-looking as possible to exploit this (also, element of surprise).
Heroes, of suitable disposition, also have no problems killing voluntary agents because those people do it on purpose. Moral of the story: experiment on the voluntaries. If they say they didn't sign up for this, I will tell them that they signed up for Pokextinction and if they haven't realised that this is an occupational hazard by now then they really haven't been paying attention.

- The worldwide masquerade has not collapsed into pieces because some weedy kid in rural Croatia finds a Galvantula under his bed. All breaches of secrecy will be treated appropriately, not by sending every last PRT agent after the guy.

- If anyone I know continually makes weird comments about 'Authors' or 'plotlines', I will feel free to casually rib on them in public but will also make careful mental note of everything they say. Occasionally these guys get to read ahead in the script, so if that happens I want all the information they have to offer.

- Four out of five Heroes will walk willingly into an ambush if I tearfully tell them that my siblings are being held hostage by Pokextinction there. If I encounter the other one, I will not push it and look suspicious. I will leave and find one of the other four.

- While it's exciting to have overpowered an Extinction base and got involved with the wider war, I will try and maintain a sense of reasonable perspective. Having taken out a Commander or two will likely have put me on the 'Watch Out' list of other local Commanders, but unless I also vaporised everything within a three-mile radius I am probably not deemed a threat to the Pokextinction organisation as a whole. Yet.
If anything, Pokextinction are probably more worried about people who can take out bases WITHOUT some form of Pokeuman superpower, as those people tend to be reliant on the far more latent force of things like training and skill.

- Since we can copy people's memories, I will just loot the prisoner's mind while they're unconscious and skip all that nasty interrogation business.

- I will try and learn normal hand-to-hand combat skills for when moves let me down. Martial arts are useful, for one.

- Every friend I gain after the third increases the chance of someone's Plot Armour failing. At the very least I won't invite them all to the big showdown, even if we still hang out.

- I will engage in casual acts of symbolism, to show some depth in my character and paint myself as a wise, indispensable ally. Not too often, though, as the mystic waif prophet always bites it inevitably (unless your name is Kyle Uchaia).

- If the personality and/or backstory of people I know reminds me a lot of characters from an anime or video game, I will gently increase the distance between them and myself. Especially if the word was 'and'.
I will also read up on what happened in that anime/game, in case things start taking a similar turn.

- I will not bother chasing Extinctionists on foot if someone on our team can fly or, better, walk through walls.
Or rather I will give chase, but only to arrive as backup.

- I will distract the Heroes approaching my inner sanctum by announcing over the tannoy that I am about to gas my brainwashed underlings to death. Most Heroes will be forced to divert to save the innocent lives at risk, and the ones who don't will look bad in front of their teammates. Whether or not I actually gas anyone is up to me.

- I will consider calling the names of attacks other than the one I am using.

- I will not throw an energy sphere larger than my head.

- I will not try and mindgame the preteen Heroes/rival. Seriously, why would that work?
I will definitely mindgame the teenage Heroes/rival. It always works, and it's hilarious.

- If I fight anyone three or more times - even if they are just the kid in my Battle Class -, I am going to be fighting them a whole lot more. It is futile to try and prevent this.

- I will not try and go undercover in Pokextinction unless I have been trained for years to do so. Chances have it my Heart of Gold and integral Compassion for Innocents will manifest at a personally-important but strategically horrible time. The worse prospect is that they don't, and then I have to bail out both risking my life AND hurting everyone's feelings. Bad hero practice all around.
I definitely won't do a 'Lee Xen' and neither tell my friends why I'm going, making them think I'm a traitor, or tell the Extinctionist that gets friendly with me why I'm there, making them think I don't care when I inevitably have to do a runner.

- I will remember that I can absorb massive amounts of damage, not that I have to.

- I will not simply name my experiment subjects after numbers - this will only in the long run fuel their strive for independence. Of course, since if I have any common sense they will all be brainwashed, I can call them any word I like to get their attention.

- I will keep the new technological findings in lunchboxes in the broom cupboard next to the lab. This will deter invading forces, undercover spies and overly-curious students from finding them.

- Anything I want to kidnap one of The Hero's allies to do I can almost certainly train one of my brainwashed underlings to do. The main exception is special powers, but then it's probably worth basing my plan around something less difficult anyway.

- I will resist the urge to dropkick the idiot who insists on following The Hero around everywhere. Chances have it they are going to either join our team and start pulling their weight, or do one thing of crucial importance and then squirrel away again. Either way, it will be worth having been nice to them.